Hey everyone and welcome back to Ella Writes!
Before I started publishing books, and before I started my podcast, I had a blog. My blog was the beginning of everything I'm doing now. The beginning of finding a way to share God's Word without having to get up on a stage and preach in front of total strangers.
I've always wanted to just share His Word, and this was my very first way to do that as an introvert who didn't like talking to people in person. Who never knew what to say, only what to write.
And I realized today how long I've neglected my blog.
I stopped writing on here because I was afraid no one was going to take the time to read what I had to say. I let my fear of writing too much and not sufficing people's attention spans stop me from doing this. The thing that I started out with. The thing that I started in 2020 just to get Jesus' Word to people that need it, or might never have heard it before.
I let Satan convince me that no one cared.
I just went back through my old posts on The Quoted Blog (https://miribrooks1.wixsite.com/quoted/my-blog), where it all began. Some of my posts have over a 100 views, and some of them have only 4. But the most important part to me is that I was able to reach over a 100 people with the words I wrote. Even if it was only for a few blog posts. It still means something. And that also means I can't quit this blog just because I'm afraid no one will read it.
This blog makes me happy. And to be honest, I miss it.
Today I felt like I was having a panic attack.
It was more of me hyperventilating, but it's something I haven't done since I found my guinea pig, Oliver's, lifeless body.
Sometimes I convince myself that I shouldn't care so much. That I shouldn't want to give people second chances. Because every time I actually care, I end up either getting my heart broken, overthinking everything, or getting in trouble.
I know those moments are just the devil trying to convince me I can't do anything. That I'm worthless. That I'm not in control. That I'm beyond saving because I can't stop messing up.
And sometimes, I believe the lies. I believe that I'm beyond saving because no matter how hard I try to do things right, I always end up messing up. I always end up hurting someone's feelings. I always end up getting yelled at.
And being sensitive means being the world's "ugly crier," (according to Mckenna Grace.) Because it only takes one insult to make me cry. It only takes one person yelling at me to make me cry. It only takes someone telling me I'm stupid or ugly to make me shed a tear.
It's impossible. I can't hold the tears back.
At times I hate that about myself. I'm eighteen years old. Why can't I take an insult with a straight face? Why do I always have to break out in tears?
It's easy to convince yourself that the lies you want to believe are true.
If you want to make yourself feel bad, you'll tell your reflection that you are worth nothing. You will tell yourself that you're beyond being fixed.
After all, don't we all talk down on ourselves and make ourselves feel bad because we think we are bad?
I was talking with a friend today, and she said it's like slipping on a mask.
If you want to wear the "good" mask, you'll put it on.
If you want to wear the "bad" mask, you'll put that on.
She also said that our hardest seasons are the days we need God the most.
When I felt like I was drifting farther and farther away from God, I thought about a girl I follow on Instagram who found Jesus after going through a hard season of her own.
She practiced witchcraft and did everything that can produce a scary movie in real life. It took her going through so many things to realize that God was the only one who could give her the hope and peace she was looking for.
I know there are so many people out there that had to go through the scariest things to finally find God. And I also know that there are people out there, like me, who take for granted what they didn't have to go through to get where they're at now in their faith.
To put it in more simple terms, I think about God a lot. I love Him. But unlike last year, when I was reading my Bible every day and really felt connected to Him, this year I've fallen short. At least, I feel like I've fallen short.
And sometimes I wonder if I should have gone through my own hard season to find God instead of growing up in a Christian household and learning about Him from my parents.
Would I be closer to Him if I had to go through hell to seek and choose Him?
What I'm proposing right now might sound very absurd to you, but I look at people online like Cia Cloud and Avery Ashdown and Claudia Campbell, and I wish I loved God like they do.
I want to know what it's like to talk about Jesus so openly without feeling scared or afraid of the act itself.
That's what I've been craving lately.
A real relationship with Jesus.
A relationship where I can hear His voice and not feel all alone when I'm hyperventilating on the bathroom floor because I'm not perfect and can't do everything right. And I know people are always preaching that you have to let go of material things to get closer to God.
So why does it sound impossible?
I live on Earth. Where material things were born and set in place.
And yeah, not everything on Earth is bad, but can't everything on Earth be a distraction from what I'm really called to do?
I'm grappling with the idea of putting God at the center while also living life to the fullest and doing the things I love. But I think putting God at the center of everything I do is the key to the question. The key to the door I've been wanting to open, but haven't had the heart to.
I'm so tired of slipping on the mask of depression. The mask of fear. The mask of "I'm not good enough." The mask that tears me down like a building that's slowly collapsing.
I just want peace. I just want to stop letting the devil tear me down.
Maybe that's what you want right now too.
Maybe we can grasp at that and achieve that together.
Because none of us want to be alone.
We all want to be loved.
Honestly, it's just hard being a human some days.
It's hard to like humans some days.
But if the root of all problems is sin, then why do we continue to dig so deep that we feel as if we can't be pulled out of the grave?
Revival is already here. Jesus already rose from that grave. He is living proof that you and I are not too far gone to be saved.
Let this be a message to you. This is a message to me too.
No boy can solve all your problems. You don't need to text him.
If you're a guy, no girl can solve all your problems. You don't need to text her.
Find a quiet room. Bring your Bible with you. Sit with God.
I haven't done that in such a long time. But maybe it's time. Maybe it's time to start doing that again. Even if it's not for long. Five minutes is enough. Give God time. Give Him time to speak with you today.
For the longest time, I wanted this guy I liked so much to be the one who I could talk to when I was believing the lies the devil threw at me. I thought that me being there for him at all times would make him want to be there for me.
But I learned that no one is there for you like Jesus is.
And maybe it took a while for me to accept Jesus' offer to comfort me and give me peace when all I wanted was a boyfriend or someone to talk to before going to sleep.
I now know that Jesus is what that guy wasn't.
He is there for me.
He is holding my hand.
He actually wants to talk to me.
He wants my full attention.
And He cares about every single thing I say.
Stop replacing Jesus with people and things and ideas and thoughts and worries that don't give you the time of day.
Instead, surrender it all, sit at His feet, and be thankful for the things He provides when you're letting Him speak. ~Ella
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